i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
