i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
