while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There's always time for handjobs
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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