I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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