as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
