So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
