Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
