then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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