please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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