I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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