I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
