So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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