fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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