Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
