please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
