im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize