They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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