How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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