I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
