Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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