god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
