And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
