Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
