my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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