I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
