im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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