Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize