3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize