I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
