I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
