You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
