How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
