He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
