I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
