Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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