Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
