Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
