i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
we're so committed to being not committed
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
