He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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