You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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