Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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