in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
