The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
