i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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