cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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