dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Someone shit on the floor
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
