Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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