He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Randomize
