I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
