my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize