Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
