I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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