some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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