I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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