Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
