Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize