i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
