haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
