saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
