Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
